Circle Time and the Village

The annual Judy's Forever Christmas party marks my favorite time of year, the holiday season.  It is certainly a highlight with tasty food, friends reconnecting over a years time, generations exchanging pleasantries, singing and much more.  Each year, the general players are the same, with the additions of a few new arrivals and the subtractions of others who aren't able to attend.  The beloved but sinister green holiday punch greets you at the door.  It is a long rabbit hole of seasonal treats all the way down...warm oozing baked bries, sweet gooey candies, baskets of mixed crackers, bowls of gleaming olives rubbed in olive oil, bubbling spreads, and tiny morsels of flavor, spice and color.  

No Judy's holiday party would be complete without Judy leading us all in a round of the 12 Days of Christmas using her trusty illustrated paper plates as guides.  While I may not remember all the hand motions as we start in the first verse, I know that the "Five Golden Rings" will come around.  I'll blend into the group like only one day had passed, rather than 364, since the last time I sang the song.  During the song this year, I was touched in a new way.

Now that I have a growing daughter of my own, I often look out into the world to assess the current state of girlhood.  I am sometimes troubled by what I see.  As I looked to my left and right, I was surrounded by some of the most grounded, accomplished grown up girls I know.  How can it be that all of my preschool pals have developed into adults who use their skills for good and to effect the world in a positive way?  No small feats here.  A dentist, lawyers, artist, doctors and more.  While the credentials are impressive, it is the qualities of the heart that are most notable.  All the people in this room are the kind of people you love to know, who inspire you, and who you aspire to be more like..  It can be no coincidence.

I'm certain that the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child" references our village:  a community that provides a stable, positive, and participatory network of multi-generational families who share the joys and trials of life together across several overlapping spheres of life and over a long period of time.  I don't know any other children, young adults or adults for that matter, who have an arena to regularly share important life moments in such a format.  What an incalculable benefit that small act must have had on us as growing individuals.  Each year, circle time is a repeated unspoken act of affirmation for our selves and worth.  No judgment, only open ears and hearts.

So now as an adult, I am touched by not only the value circle time has had on each of Judy's students, but also on the source of support it provides to our parents.  Over the years, our village demonstrated though action and thought how to be a student of life, grow passions and interests, work as a team, provide when help is needed, sort out resources, be generous, teach and learn, live a healthy life, appreciate nature, share, celebrate and grieve, make new "silver" friend, cherish old "gold" friends, be funny, be honest, be a good listener, be vulnerable, be yourself and so many other countless lessons.

My life is punctuated by moments from my village that touched me deeply, molded the person I have become or shared in my life experiences.  Our Circle Time is very much the "Five Golden Rings" of life. We may not know all the parts or right moves, but if we are patient and appreciate the song, look for the (paper plate) signs for guidance, the "Five Golden Rings" will come around, sure enough.

Salsa Dancing and the Broken Toe

There's been much pressure on my feet over the last week.  My feet have felt the weighty pressure (figuratively) from the heavy weight that has been on my shoulders over the last several months.  My feet have felt the pressure (literally) from an evening of out-of-practice salsa dancing.  My feet have felt the pressure (medically) of a broken third toe on my right foot.  All a bit awkward and somewhat uncomfortable.

As some of the weight lifts from my shoulders as I complete my dissolution negotiations, I realize how heavy the burden and concern has been that I have carried with me.  I can feel myself breathe easier, walk lighter and smile more freely.  I still have a long way to go before life falls into order, but this is a major milestone in my renewed life.

My feet seemed to belong to someone else as I danced salsa last Friday.  I really enjoy it, but I do not profess to be great at it.  My mind kept thinking, "keep up feet, move, move!".  Maybe I am not as spring as I used to be, but I certainly loved the spinning, music, and rhythm of the salsa.  Hopefully, my feet will recall a memory of dances past the next time I go.

My toe is several shades of purple, blue, and pink.  The misplaced color and swelling is slowly starting to fade, however, the memory of the sound and impact will stay with me for some time.  I will be haunted by all wood stairs.

(On a road trip with less pressure on the shoulders and the toes)

The pressure that we experience in life, while making us uncomfortable at times, certainly help us to appreciate the times we are able to stretch out, relax, and breeze through other moments!

Online and Out of practice

I did it.  I signed up for Match.com.  Wow!  It doesn't seem like it's been that long since I last dated, but a few things have changed-me being one of them.
A few other new additions to the dating scene: the popularity and variety of online dating sites, texting, speed dating for sport.
The advice from some seasoned online daters rolled in with the knowing looks and tough love comments.  "You'll have to date a lot of people".  "It's a numbers game".  "Dating online is brutal".  "There are some real jerks out there".  "You have to play the game".  "Have an exit plan".  "Follow The Rules".  "There are no rules". "It's really more like entertainment".  hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I pondered over my profile.  The process was both grueling and enlightening.  How does one sum up a life, capture any charming attributes in a nifty little box and pick a picture representative for internet land.
So I venture out into the wide world of online dating.
I don't know what I'll find or who I'll meet, but I know I'm ready and hopeful.

another 365

It's been another year and now I am officially in my 30's.  It often feels as if 30 didn't happen since I have been fairly preoccupied by a few other back-to-back events this last year.  The last 365 days seem a bit fuzzy punctuated by blessed moments with Molly.  So, I look forward to the all the coming year has in store as well as the small delights, fresh beginnings, renewed friendships and new memories.  30's-bring it!

Inspir(Red) & Diape(Red)

It's December 1, 2009.  It's World AIDS Day.  Today I wear my inspir(Red) t-shirt and Molly is rocking her ado(red) sweatshirt.  I purchased my Starbucks tea with my (Red) card and will be writing my holiday letters on (Red) cards.  What are you doing today?

Before Molly knows what AIDS stands for, what branding means or is even out of daipers, she'll know what is means to give.  Of course, I hope she supports some of the same causes I do, but more importantly I hope she learns the value of giving and being involved.

I love the (Red) products.  I can't lie-I'm busy.  So it's difficult to give of my time right now.  It's wonderful that by choosing (Red), I can make sure my economic vote and partial funds go towards a cause I support.  With the holidays coming up, I hope you'll keep (Red) in mind whenever possible.  A small choice and a single purchase go a long way.

I have always felt conflicted in my heart about the challenges and issues of the world.  I often feel overwhelmed, like many of us do, to do more.  It is easier to sit back and let other's solve the problems.  I hope that through Molly, I am able to do more to be involved with the causes I support.

So this is one day, that in my own way, I participate and am inspir(Red).  To support (Red) and World AIDS Day, check out the following resources:
 
www.joinred.com
http://blog.joinred.com
http://www.facebook.com/joinred
http://www.lifelongaidsalliance.org/

The Blueprint and The Tidal Chart

A home is more than its walls and window.  It isn't created overnight, but rather slowly over experiences, memories, purposes and time.  The structure of one's life is built, gradually, in the same way.  The good life starts on a solid foundation and grows with purpose much like a house.  I know these building blueprints well and still believe in them, but for now, I've had to put them aside for a more unfamiliar map.  

I am beginning to feel that the new guide I am following is one that more closely resembles a tidal chart.  I think it ill-advised to build a house on a tide flat.  Since I can not change the whole ocean, I must adapt.
I've been aiming my spirit and way of living to be more like water: flexible, going with the flow and adapting to the obstacles in my path by ebb and flow while still remaining tough enough to carve out stone.  A delicate dichotomy.

However, as fluid as I may strive to be, there's just no getting around the fact that imploding an entire life creates chaos.  As if life wasn't hard enough anyway, now I've added a few extra barriers and complications to the long list of everyday tasks and duties.  While this process allows for ample opportunity to plan and make lists, at times I am still left overburdened and fumbling to gain my bearings.  I am challenged by the sheer amount of legal and personal ends I have to tie up.  During these moments, I miss the shelter  and protection that the structure of the blueprinted home provided.

I hope by letting the current events and necessities dictate the ebb of my living and flow of my spirit, I will preserve the things that will rebuild my home on dry land again someday.

The New Maiden Name

It seems that my last name not only causes uncertainty in my own mind, but also confuses those individuals working just about everywhere.  I have found help in their ignorance, lack of spelling skills, inability to not hyphenate everything or hearing deficits.  Since I am constantly forced to confront my last name, I have had plenty of chances to consider it's future.

I now have more clarity on what my "new maiden name" will be.  I will go by Kalnasy Olson to honor who I started out as and who my daughter is now.  I always joked that I was getting a last name upgrade when I got married: simpler spelling and more common.  Now I get to bare my history in every signature, all documents and on every customer service phone call.  I can not go back to who I was before all this and I hope to continue to expand my life after this transition has passed.  I go forward knowing my "new maiden name" will serve me well and bring me spelling nightmares.

Wide Open Spaces and Small Living Quarters

It's wide open spaces ahead of me now.  Last Sunday, Molly and I moved out of our condo and into my mother's house.  While the move is only one and a half geographical miles, the mental and emotional move spans the globe.  I packed up my whole house and life into boxes knowing that it would not come out of those boxes the same way.  We have condensed our living space into a basement, making for cozy, multi-use spaces shared by two crazy chicks.  It's been a mad rush to finish moving, sort out personal effects, ready the condo to put on the market and continue being a working mom at the same time.  Not a day goes by where I don't feel lucky to have the support of my parents and friends during this transition.

Since this has all been a long time coming, I am not racked with the emotional upheaval of the breakup.  However, trying to recollect a life is sometimes like trying to catch the seeds of a dandelion in a wind storm with chopsticks. But like the wind, I have no bounds, except for my new bathroom and closet that just aren't quite big enough.

Words of Wisdom

"Live dynamically, think positively, plan out deliberately, pray ardently, meditate regularly, read daily, achieve homely, correct minutely, grow divinely."

This is a quote about Positive Living that was painted on a wall at a school I visited in Chennai, India while on Semester at Sea Fall 1999.  While the usage of English in some parts of this message may be not be the standard usage, the sentiment is wonderful.  I aim to meditate more regularly in my busy, pressed life.  I will attempt to read daily (something other than the internet and kids books). I continue to work on speaking my wishes to the universe in a open and honest way.  I try to focus on function, purpose and character to be a good role model.  I practice choosing things and people in my life going forward that will bring honesty, positivity, fun and adventure.

The Mine Field and the Amputee

You gaze out at the field in front of you.  It looks familiar and smells like home, but yet, now is hostile soil filled with uncertainty.  You expect to see the bodies slain across the ground of those who have fallen in discord with the sticks and stones thrown between the opposing sides.  Yet, it is empty and eerily quiet.  While you know this ground has been fruitful before and will again someday be a place to bloom, now it is desolate and unyielding.  It is hard to imagine the first tiny green seedling to take root again here and grow up from the crushed ashy rubble.  

Your entire life becomes a vast mine field filled with receipts from past dates in the filing pile, pictures used as bookmarks from past holidays, calendars imprinted with hopes in the form of future plans, pre-bought gifts placed delicately in the back of closets for a rainy day and forgotten post-it notes with sweet words from a previous time-all ready to blow up at any moment.  Some days, you go into battle with your armor and field map, while other days you walk in naked and blindfolded.  I've had my fair share of mines thus far, and am certain, I have fields ahead I can't even see yet.

But of all the little wounds sustained, the most profound is the one caused by absence of my tiny, soft, sweet darling baby girl.  This amputation in my life is traumatic and inexplicable.  The standard definition of the word "amputee" is a person who has had a limb removed by amputation.  This narrow and literal definition does not begin to define the experience for a traditional amputee or one like myself. Having moments when I am not with Molly feels much like the experiences I have heard described by physical amputees.  I feel the (emotional) pain searing constantly. Continually, I feel her with me and function accordingly at times (phantom sensation).  Despite having lived the majority of my life individually, I have to intentionally work at learning new ways of being without her.  I yearn for her return when we are parted and dream about our life together.  Molly expanded who I am and every time I am with her, I am reminded that all the mine fields in front of me are dangerous, yet temporary.  Molly will grow and venture out into the big world someday, but not yet and not this way.  So for now, I remain an amputee and silently carry this wound.

The changes that take place in this process are drastic and subtle, immediate and delayed, expected and surprising.  Every day is filled with moments of wondering how to "slowly and instantly rip off the band-aid".  Once I figure that one out, I'll let the world know.

lists: big picture and the details

I was a worrier from the start (as evidence, I present the picture at the top of my blog).  I have been called a planner, a worrier, a type-A personality, a control freak, a natural organizer, an over-thinker, a perfectionist and a detail person.  At different times in my life, I have been all of these things and a few times I've been all these things at once.  All these years later, this is still a part of my nature.

I watch Molly's personality develop, knowing some of her core character is already set, while other aspects will evolve with experience, environment and education.  It makes me reflect further on what are other aspects of my core character.  As cliche as it sounds, being a parent makes me want to be a better person.  It clearly brings into focus those aspects of your self you wish not to impart to your child.  I've learned to be more patient, more present in the moment, more mindful of my actions and words and more aware of the fragility and strength of each day.

I hope Molly learns the value of a list and the delight of a lazy afternoon.  I hope I balance the tasks of keeping a loving and home full of life with a pursuit of fun and friendships.  It has been stated many ways and times that the secret of life is to find the balance between the big picture and details.  “The secret to happiness is to see all marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil in the spoon.”   I keep that at the heart of things moving forward.

Of course, I still have lists.  Some with items that are heartbreaking, challenging and dreadful.  But I know now, that there will be items on those lists from here on out that are joyful, adventurous, fun and sweet.  I've got my spoon and oil and am ready to go.

the start

I don't know where to start but I guess I'll start at an end.  Not an end I planned or even one I know how to completely process at the moment.  This blog will chronicle my life as my life takes an unexpected twist, the end of my marriage.  I hope that the entries of struggle and uncertainty are short lived, while the posts of my adventures and fun are many.

The mind reals.  It takes my breath away at times and leaves me feeling empty and broken.  Some moments, I'm sure the entire world can see the cracks in my spirit or the heaviness of my heart.  Like a game of "Operation", is it possible to delicately extract a portion of your life without causing mass trauma to the remaining portion?  I think the answer is no, but I hope that a person can aim to cause as little damage as possible.

I've had the blog started for awhile now, but have been unable to write anything.  There is no good way to tell people your marriage is ending or that they way they have known you is changing.  It's not just that my marriage is ending, it's that the life I have built and cared for along with it is ending too.

Once, I had a life that was created entirely by a person who had a maiden name, but more importantly, a single sense of self.  The changes, compromises and merging of lives alters that, even with the best of intentions or strongest of bonds.  Of course, life has added back in great joys, gifts and adventures.  In this transition going forward, I hope to find that lost sense of self: when I was just a girl with a maiden name.