Ocean Shores Big Weekend 10K

So, I'm toying with the idea of running a 10K. Not so much toying as hopefully planning. I guess by putting it out here in internet land, it becomes more real. This 10K looks like a fun run by the ocean, a local getaway and far enough out that it would be reasonable to train for without killing myself. I don't have grand goals of making quick times, but rather simply crossing the finish line on my own. I would prefer to not look like I'm dying in the process, but crossing is the only goal.

I ultimately would like to run a 1/2 marathon, hopefully by fall. Small steps or short jogs, right?!

Getting to the treadmill, elliptical or even the road on a regular basis is tough when I have to balance it against a nap time that can vary each day. Plus, a run without a shower is so much less desirable for this girl. I sweat-I shower end of story.

It feels good to be back in a place where I can turn on my music really loud, run until my legs burn, clear my mind and go until I say give. A piece of myself returns.

A Resuscitated Baker and Inspired Dishes

Sweet return to the kitchen.  I am a resuscitated baker and hopeful cook.  Hallelujah!

Valentine's day marked the first time I have baked since Molly was born.  Oh boy, did I miss it.  I pulled out Aunt Jerry's Chocolate Cake recipe (thank you Pelle family for the excellent recipe) for delicious chocolate cupcakes.

My abilities to multitask while baking have drastically decreased, however, my appreciation for having the time to dedicate myself to the simple task of combining sugar and flour has tremendously increased.  I reveled in the luxury of slowly measuring out cups of sugar and flour, tenderly pouring teaspoons of vanilla and gently spooning gooey batter into cupcake liners.  The house began to fill with the warm sweet aroma of chocolate.  I think it smelled like love and devotion warmed at 350 degrees.

To carry out the momentum in my return to the kitchen, I cracked a new recipe, French Onion Soup.  I used Cooks Illustrated Best Recipes Cookbook.  I found it easy to execute and quite tasty.  The broiled and bubbling cheese on top really took it from soup to super!

I have always enjoyed the physical act of baking and cooking.  I find calm in the repetitive motions, measured portions and consistent interactions of ingredients. There is a simple pleasure in sharing the completed dish with others.

There are several cookbooks on the shelf that are calling my name.  I look forward to cracking them open.  This year I hope to find a few primary protein dishes that can become standards which I prepare.  It could be considered a victory if a few new dishes made their way onto the menu with some regularity.  I'd like to try a few new baked items as well as to attend a cooking class.

As Julia Child would say "Bon Appetit!"

February 14th, 2010

Valentine's Day: one of the most loved, loathed and odd holidays we have.  Who makes the symbol for a holiday a cubby baby wearing a diaper and toting dangerous weaponry?  If the gift is in the thought, why do we have to pay four times as much for the gift or flowers?

I am reminded each year on February 14th that love does matter.  It matters to us all.  Love calls some to be pious, others to bear arms.  It binds and connects friends and families, both related and chosen types.  It can create deep meaning in work or passion in play.  Love instills so many of us with purpose and place.  It is an intangible quality that artists, authors, poets and romantics search for endlessly.  Love is epitomized and capitalized on in films and mass media.  It spans countries, cultures, genders and age.   

Not a day goes by that I am not grateful for the love in my life.  I find meaning in the relationships that provide it, a sense of purpose and honor because of it.  I tell those I love that I do frequently and proudly.  I believe we all need love and it makes life all the more sweet.  The birth of my Molly confirmed for me that love is something bigger than ourselves.  For the love in my life, I am grateful!

So, what does Valentine's Day mean to you?  Are you a cynical party-pooper or a champion of love in it's many forms?  Do you whoop it up with your friends or embrace your family?  Do you light the passionate flame of love and romance with your Valentine?  However you feel about the holiday, I hope your life was filled with the spirit of it in abundance.

"Oh, if it be to choose and call thee mine, love, thou art every day my Valentine!" ~Thomas Hood

The Fallout

Dissolution.
Divorce.
The Great Divide.
A Former Life.

The fallout from a dissolution is much like an atom bomb.  Just for the record, I know very little about atom bombs.  Ok, on with the post.  Initially, it's a horrific, violent and powerful explosion of your life.  However, due to the patterns and process, it can be somewhat predictable.  One can partially prepare for it in planning, strategy and action.  It is the fallout that follows that seems to be more toxic, developing slowly over time in ways that are unexpected and treacherous.

The character and nature of every relationship can only ever be known from the people in that relationship.  No matter the outward appearance, presentation or facade, the entire history and story can only be understood by those involved.  When a relationship begins or ends the whole world is often watching.  You quickly figure out who has their two cents to contribute.  I can imagine, from the outside, that watching a relationship implode is like watching a car wreck.  Messy, shocking, painful, out of place and hard to turn away from at times.

It is the unexpected reaction of a family member or friend that catches you off guard.  It is the account turned over to collection unexpectedly (with your name still attached) that is violating.  It is the realization that friends you haven't talked to in some time will ask about your former life and you get to drop the bomb.  It is checking the little box that says "Divorced".  It is knowing there will be other moments of fallout from this event.

When I pass an accident, I immediately hope all are ok.  I know if I have those thoughts then everyone is not.  They are changed or injured.  I pass helplessly by and draw my loved ones closer for a moment.  It isn't often that I think of the accident weeks, months or years later.  But now I might as I know that there will be fallout.  

Absence makes the heart something...

I love opposites as a general idea.  up and down.  sun and snow. dark and light.  near and far.  Opposite have a way of polarizing us, personally and as groups.  So which way do you find yourself leaning?  Are you a person who believes absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight is out of mind?  I have always been in the first category without a doubt!

As I assess my life in this new and liberated phase, I recognize that many of my dear friends are scattered across the country and globe.  I think of them often and draw strength, wisdom and a sense of self from each one.  I cherish all my relationships, each forged through time, commitment and experience.  We've weathered the tough times and celebrated the joyous occasions.  I feel blessed to know these amazing people.

I am delighted and lucky to have an upcoming moment of my heart growing fonder.  I know what it means for me.  Having time apart from those we love and care about can be challenging at times, knowing they miss out on day to day life.  However, over the years, I've learned that the separation only influences how much effort and commitment you put into a relationship.  It is a choice and action.

So I guess I have a fonder heart for the absence.  But the return is oh so sweet too.

The Opposite of Love

So my negotiations and documents for my dissolution are complete.  I've spent hours and hours pouring over bank statements, pay stubs, home mortgage paperwork and every other vital document that has been filed or created over the last several years.  I've made lists of assets, bills, accounts and more.  I've played phone tag with my lawyer and sat through many hours of negotiations about the person most dear to me, Molly.

Dividing your life is no simple task.  However, in spending all this time, I understand why the process to dissolve a marriage is as lengthy and tedious as it is-to deter it from happening.  Despite the nature of the process, my choice is confirmed for me again and again.

I was once told that a good divorce is one where neither party is happy as that means that things were divided fairly.  I don't know if I believe that as it makes one large assumption-both parties contributed equally to building a life together.  Regardless, I couldn't be happier with the outcome.  I am willing to let my favorite Dutch Oven go, give up the pennies in a bank account and be responsible for the process of the dissolution, in exchange for a certainty of Molly's happiness, stability, safety and health.

So we have signed all the documents, submitted them to be filed and now must wait.  Wait 90 days to be precise.  Then, someone who has never met me or who knows my story will approve something that has been in my heart for well more than 90 days.

I am often asked how I'm doing or how I feel.  My response is that I feel relief and indifference.  Elie Wiesel said, "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."  I don't harbor hate in my heart and the indifference I feel is confirming and freeing.

90 days and counting.

Date No. 1

Ok.  I've gone on a first date.  A really amazing first date.  It was the result of an instant connection, email conversation and phone chats.  It was romantic, sweet, fun and more wonderful than I could have imagined.  After all the nerves I had about dating, one great evening and a fantastic new friend have wiped them clean.  The following are a few highlights and moments from Date No. 1.

Picking up my date at the ferry terminal
Watching the sunset over Puget Sound
Getting a lane at The Garage
Hitting three strikes in a row
Having my date get my water refilled without even asking
Tasty roasted chicken, vegetables and kale at Oddfellows
A shared frozen custard with plenty of laughs
Exchanging stories over drinks at Ivars
Having perfect (intoxicated) strangers tell us what a connection we share

Date No. 1 renewed my spirit and brought a smile to my face.  Can't wait for Date No. 2!